"Purpose is the place where your deep gladness meets the world's needs." - Frederick Buechner Day in and day out I had the same routine for over five years after undergrad. I gave my all to my job, no matter what it was. I had dreams. I had desires. And though the current jobs had nothing to do with my dreams or desires, I focused on being my best in each moment of each day because it gave me a sense of immediate purpose. I was always promoted in under 6 months. During reviews they'd say things like, "You have so much potential!" "I can see you going far here." "We really appreciate you." I felt elated. I felt validated. I felt like I was in stride with being a responsible adult. I was proud and so was my family. And slowly my dreams and desires took the back seat to my new ambitions: this immediate gratification and praise. This false sense of direction and purpose was the only thing I needed. If work was good, I was good. I'd use my money for dates, partying with friends, and vacations. I'd pay off bills and Student Loans. My job became my purpose and identity while my dreams and desires became buried under the promise of tomorrow. Eventually, day in and day out it became more and more difficult to wake up, go to work, and give my all. I felt trapped and depleted. My bills and student loans required me to keep jobs that asked for my all but paid me below my worth. The companies and bosses I'd given everything to soon revealed that I was replaceable and unappreciated. During reviews I'd hear things like "We can hire a recent grad for half your salary." "We need you to write a report telling us what you do here." "You're doing everything we hired you to, but where's your ambition to do more?" There was no more flattery after they'd taken the best years of my young adulthood, and after turning on my own dreams and goals-- attaching my identity and self-esteem to these promises of a bright future-- there was nothing left to give to my family, friends, or lovers. There was nothing left to give to myself. Luckily, when there's nothing left we are forced to deal with ourselves. With the day to day routine gone we are given an opportunity to stop and listen. Not do. Not pretend. Not push through. Just listen. That's when we can hear our dreams and desires fighting to resurface and drive us towards our purpose. And when we surrender to that drive, things begin to fall in line and the lies we tell ourselves in order to make it through another day dispel as they are no longer needed for we are living our truths. But truth can be as elaborate as illusion, and as we heal we have to unlearn bad habits, reprogram harmful thoughts, and release patterns that no longer serve us. We have to learn ourselves and forget the people we were taught to be. For me (and I suspect others) that meant unraveling the ideas that my worth and self-esteem was attached to my career, that my career was somehow attached to my jobs, or that my purpose would intersect with any of those things. As I journey more deeply into myself and understand how God is using me, I realize I'm at peace in most (eventually all) situations because I have no need to attach my ego to them. I am not my circumstances, nor are they a reflection of my purpose or my worth. My jobs serve a function that is valid for society's needs, not mine. My career is a reflection of my dreams in tandem with society's needs and my own. Since my career is an artistic one it requires me to propel myself forward without the acceptance of others' validation, monetary or otherwise. Lack of vision or appreciation for my art is not directly correlated to my worth or my talent; In fact, if history is any indication, it's actually proof that my art precedes society's understanding as most artists in every medium are only truly appreciated posthumously. It is also true that my art is not my purpose. It is an expression of myself and a way for me to intersect with the world, but the truth of purpose is that it must meet the needs of our present day world; Purpose is not meant to be solely a legacy. With this understanding I am empowered to deal with the demands of this world without needed to attach ego (identity & self-worth) to things I've no control over and are legitimately transient in the long run. And so here I am: Unraveling the convolutions and stories taught me by Society. Realizing that my long ignored desires and dreams are the key to falling in line with what I can offer the world around me. Listening to the needs of today's world and today's people and learning how I was created to answer those calls. It no longer depletes me to give my all because I was uniquely created for the duties I'm fulfilling. I'm fueled by my desires and my ambitions are in line with God's call for my life. In that, I am self-sustained and whole. In temporary circumstances I am still eternal. Simply put: I am. Are you? Know Thyself; Love Thyself; Heal Thyself. Amen.
1 Comment
|
AuthorJeremy the Healer Archives
January 2017
Categories |